For Me, Church Trauma Started at a Young Age

When people look at me now they see an older outgoing dude that is 6 feet tall, a scruffy gray beard, and around 215 pounds. I'm a fairly confident guy on the outside and I can debate almost any topic. I also carry a sharp sarcastic sword that I have developed over the years (more on that later). I'd like to think I am a friend to all and a formidable opponent to those who would do harm.

The man I am today is far different than the little boy I was. Put it this way, one time when I was staying with my grandparents in Oklahoma my Grandmother called my Mom in tears saying, "he won't eat anything...and he's so small." 

I was a towheaded kid that maybe weighed 50 pounds soaking wet. That towheaded hair consisted of very fine, very straight hair, with two cowlicks, and a widows peak. So yeah, my haircuts looked great -- a challenge even to this day.

To put an exclamation point on that thought. One time I went to the local hair academy for a cheap haircut -- not sure what I was thinking. After a very long haircut the young lady cutting my hair said she would be right back. She returned with the manager who, upon looking at my head, said "oh dear, let's see if we can make that look better." In the end they offered me a refund and the next cut for free.

In grade school I tried BrylCream for a few years just like my Dad used. I still remember the kids telling me how gross it looked that I had greasy hair and that I never took a bath. The best part was that my last name rhymed with stink.

As you can imagine this little guy was teased and bullied at school often -- did I mention that I often wore my older sisters hand-me-downs?? What you might not expect, is that it happened at church too!

TEASED & BULLIED AT CHURCH

In the school system you often have different classmates each year. At church you grow up with the same people each year. There were all kinds of interactions with these kids multiple times a week. The strangest of activities were the Royal Ambassadors or RA's -- think Boy Scouts but for church.

There were craft projects, camping trips, fishing trips, sports teams, weekly meetings, and recreation nights. Recreation nights were my favorite for a long while, because many of the games involved speed, and I was fast -- I killed it in Steal the Bacon and foot races. 

That didn't go over well with the athletic guys in our group. After beating them a few times they decided to lock me and another kid under the main stage in the rec hall -- it was pretty scary. On other occasions they threw food at me during clean-up time (we had to clean-up the rec hall after family dinners before we could play). One time they threw butter tubs at me that covered me in butter. For some reason I was the one that always got in trouble for the pain and embarrassment they inflected on me. Once or twice they cancelled rec night and blamed me for doing so.

Then there was sports. At my church the popular boys played on the church basketball team and were forced to include me -- that's what happens when your Dad was an athlete. I had very few basketball skills as a child. This is where the more talented kids at church grew to hate me even more. 

My poor abilities resulted in more severe name calling, >>Flash Warning<< I was often called a fag, faggot, homo, or just simply a pussy. All with the parent coaches looking on and, in many ways, encouraging the behavior. Growing up in the 70's if you weren't good at sports you were often called these horrible names.

Here's the ironic thing. From a young age I really liked girls for some reason. I liked being around them and hanging out with them. I wasn't feminine -- except for my sisters hand-me-downs I guess. I just really liked girls from a young age.

I can remember having a "girlfriend" in 1st grade. We would see each other on open gym nights at our school when our Dad's would play sports. I distinctly remember running all the way around the outside of the gym just to get a kiss. I also remember being the only boy invited to her birthday party. Katharine and I had big plans, then she moved away 💔.

A few years later -- still in early grade school -- one of the girls in kids choir at church decided to give me a big kiss in front of the whole church during a performance😳. The chicks seemed to really like me too...

Then once coming home from 5th/6th grade camp on the church buss some of the boys caught me staring at one of the girls who I thought was really pretty. They proceeded to tease and humiliate me the rest of the way home. They were much larger than me so it wasn't difficult for them to grab my neck and turn my head to look at the girl of my affection to make fun of me.

YES, I WAS DIFFERENT AND...

As if being a skinny runt with bad hair who wore his sisters hand-me-downs wasn't enough. I also had ADHD. I couldn't sit still and I had trouble focusing. So here was a kid that most of the other kids didn't like for various reasons who now gave the adults a really good reason not to like him either.

All along I always believed that there was one person who really and truly loved me for who I was. That person was Jesus. I always loved Jesus and I always wanted to be near him.

To love Jesus I was told to love the bible too, but I couldn't understand it. So I asked questions, lots of questions. Why did Noah get drunk? Please explain the giant to me? You mean there were other giants?! What about the talking snake?? Please explain this. Please explain that.

All too often the responses I got were to sit down and shut up. You just simply need to believe what I am telling you. You need to have more faith. And my favorite, you need to be a better person. Quit causing trouble. Grow up!

For many years I thought I was just a stupid kid because that's what my teachers at school and church told me. I accepted it as who I was. Then later I went through more of an F#&% you stage where I really didn't care what people thought of me. Then I had kids... and they were just like me.

Yes, I was different and I was made in the image of God. He made me this way for a reason. And maybe that reason was to be a fly in the ointment. I hope you'll follow along with my journey. Please share questions and comments below.